the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
