I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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