so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
