haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
