You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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