i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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