youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
