i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
