Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
