So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
