he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
