I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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