The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
