you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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