Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
