life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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