I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
