dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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