I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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