he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
