mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
