You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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