I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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