On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
