The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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