haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
