It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
