My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
