Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
