be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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