Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
