i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
