I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
