I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
