mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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