she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
