I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
