Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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