I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
