I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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