the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
