I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
