Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
