you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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