All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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