it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
