At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
