Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize