you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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