My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
