yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
