i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
