My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I looked at my own cervix.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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