Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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